I was shamed into feminity while misled and ripped from masculinity by Cis Women, mostly. Devalued into bodily conformity. Bonded by trauma, emotionally kept at arms length; in aim to target practice. Birthed by a hurricane into eternal fire, cultivating spaces of barbed wire, landmines, and bruises.
Fear. Envy. Insecurity. Bias. Projections of Pain. Exhaustion.
I was the emotional and sexual punching bag for Cis Men, mostly. Sparring entanglements and detached relations sparked many triggers, and scratched many itches... until those sensations grew into gaping wounds. My mind and spirit were torturously burned by patriarchal mindsets; the only consistency present.
Fear. Envy. Insecurity. Bias. Projections of Pain. Exhaustion.
While my nature triggered their aggression in one way or another, my nurture wasn't "believable" or "a lot" in relationships with cis people.
I survived.
Successful romantic and platonic relationships have been Queer ones for me, I'm afraid.
In retrospect: embodying the balance of bravery it shouldn't take (but it does) to exist "outside" of society — with the confidence self-assurance gifts you, shows me I can drop my armor and rest.
In youth: achieving that balance as a team was difficult when we didn't truly know who we were and what we wanted; let alone what we needed.
Even if we ended amicably or went down in flames, Queer people are save points in this "game" called life, for me. They are also my most profound lessons. The kind of lessons that have shaped who I am in the world, and who I am to myself.
I tapped into my intuition and built discernment to serve me for lifetimes through vulnerable moments with the people I love, and once loved.
My former self, became my better self.
The risk is always worth the reward.
Be brave in your pursuit of self. You'll get what you've discovered you really want, and what you actually need.
What are you willing to risk?
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